Holiday Grief

By Michelle Gladu, LMSW

The holidays and special events that fall and winter bring can be an especially difficult time for those who are grieving the death of a loved one. Grief writer Kenneth Doka cautions there are two choices to avoid when it comes to the holidays. “One is to try to keep the holiday just as it was – pretend the loss never occurred. Such a choice is bound to crash in on the reality of our loss. The other choice is to try to escape – pretend that the holiday doesn’t exist by ignoring all activities. This too is contrary to what we know and feel.” Trying to re-invent the holidays may seem exhausting, and the temptation is strong to want to fast-forward to January 2nd, but keeping our hearts and minds open can help us do more than just survive the season of celebrations. This can be a time to re-evaluate our priorities and focus on what is most important to us. Some traditions can be very meaningful and others can just feel like a chore. As we reorganize life after loss, we may need to adapt the holidays to reflect our new reality. To begin, take some time to:

Choose the activities that are most important to you – which traditions you might want to continue and which ones you can do without.

Communicate with those closest to you your thoughts on where you may want to focus your energies this year, and hear their ideas as well. There isn’t a right or wrong way to handle the holidays after a loss.

Compromise in finding some balance between your preferences and those of others in your life who may also be grieving. Understand that people can grieve the same loss differently, and find different things comforting.

Some other ideas to consider:

It can be helpful to plan for opportunities to remember your loved one and say their name during the holidays. Well-intentioned family and friends may avoid talking about the loved one thinking it will upset you, but often those who are grieving feel worse if no one acknowledges the absence of a loved one. Putting out a candle in honor of a loved one, making their favorite food or inviting others to share a story about them can ensure that the loved one’s memory is included in the special day.

Grief is exhausting. Be sure to schedule some time to rest and reflect if you can during the holidays, and have the flexibility to say ”no” if necessary to some activities.

Children who are going through a loss can benefit from the continuity that traditions bring, but their ideas and enthusiasm can help create some new traditions as well. Make sure to include them in planning for the holidays.

Remember that sometimes anticipating the holidays can be harder than the days themselves. Despite everything you are going through, you may find some moments of joy and comfort during these holidays that you hadn’t expected. Accept these moments as the gifts that they are. Being happy isn’t a betrayal of your loved one. Bittersweet though they may be, holidays can become a time to honor and remember our loved ones and carry on their legacy.

Year End Appeal 2023

The end of the year is a natural time to consider all of the reasons for which we can feel grateful. We at Hospice of Central New York and Hospice of the Finger Lakes have taken to heart that the practice of looking back with gratitude inherently leads to looking forward with hopefulness.

We are grateful for you. Your past support has enabled us to further our mission of providing end-of-life physical, spiritual, and emotional care for thousands of area patients and their families. We are grateful for you and your financial gifts that have enabled us to approach every unique individual in our care with the utmost regard for their vital, specific needs. We are grateful for you, for helping their final days be filled with peace in their own surroundings, comfort for their physical needs, and connection with those they love most.

We are hopeful for the year to come. We know we will see great needs, as we prepare to meet over 1,300 patients in our community and help them with their personal end-of-life journey.

With your gift to our Year-End Appeal, you extend a healing hand to those we serve, by helping to provide the dignity, honor, comfort, and knowledgeable, specialized care they need and deserve.

Join us in our mission by making your gift of compassion and hopefulness today. Click here to donate now!

Grieving During The Holidays

The holidays can be such a joyous time, but for those who are grieving a loved one – whether it be six months, a year, or a decade – they can most certainly be a difficult  time as well. Grief can hit us at any time throughout the year, but the holidays in particular seem to amplify this.

We spoke with our Chaplains here at Hospice to get their thoughts on grief during the holidays, how to best move through them, and how to handle grief in a way that works best for the individual.

Is it okay to grieve during the holidays?

Pastor Mike Santy writes, “Of course, the holidays are times of  togetherness and joy, but you can allow yourself to grieve during the holidays as well. Grief and loss are undesirable, but they have a place during all times of the year. Give yourself permission to think, act, and feel what is helpful during the holidays.”

What are ways to honor our loved ones during the holiday without them?

Pastor Mike shares, “My family hangs picture ornaments of our parents on the Christmas tree. We also make/try to recreate the special dishes that they used to bring to the table each Holiday season.” Chaplain John Maselli offers, “Donate in their name; Have them remembered in a religious service; Talk to family and friends about them; Light candles in their memory; Give one of their possessions to someone who loved and appreciated them; Maybe use your experience to help others who are grieving.”

Why does grief during the holidays seem so much harder?

Chaplain John explains, “Grieving during the holiday season can be very difficult. While all those around us are celebrating, we feel like we are on the outside looking in. Our sense of loss is often magnified during this time of year because the holiday season is filled with memories of the one we lost. While we are surrounded by people, we can feel alone and isolated.” Little things like, “a holiday card addressed to the person who died or a gift neatly wrapped under the tree with the departed’s name on it serve as reminders of their “physical absence” in our lives,” says Chaplain Matthew Binkewicz. These reminders can knock us off balance and upset our assumptive world – the world in which everything was normal. Perhaps these reminders magnify our sadness, eclipsing the joy of those around us.”

How should you approach those around you struggling with a loss?

Chaplain John suggests, “Be compassionate and sincere. As you comfort and support them, remember that the sense of loss is real. Don’t minimize or try to simplify what they are going through. Remember they need to be heard and supported. They do not need you to solve their problems. It is also okay to be at a loss for words. Your presence is often more comforting than any words of wisdom.”

Are there things one can do to prepare mentally and emotionally for the upcoming holiday season?

“The most important thing to remember is there is no right or wrong way to celebrate the holiday season after the death of a loved one. The best coping mechanism for the first holiday season is to plan ahead, get support from others and take it easy.” – Pastor Mike

Any closing thoughts?

“There are no rules against us taking time for ourselves, alone, in the quiet of our  home. Healing requires time and patience. Our lives do not center on pleasing others or meeting their expectations during the holidays. The journey of grief is a healing one if we invest the time and effort into it. Rather than please others or pretend the death never happened, we need to acknowledge the loss and find ways to incorporate our  grief into our lives. Perhaps we feel too overwhelmed by the holidays and decide not to send cards or host the traditional dinner. The decisions we make provide us with a sense and understanding that we are in control of our destiny. We are in charge, and neither the disease nor the death can hold us captive. We have the freedom to redirect our emotional and physical energy in ways that bring healing and restoration into our lives, in a way that acknowledges our loss and moves us forward.” – Matthew P. Binkewicz, Chaplain

Click HERE to read the entire interview with our Chaplains!

To read the full Fall Newsletter, please click HERE!

A Tradition of Remembering

There are numerous ways that we can celebrate the memory of someone special. Many of our families have found comfort by participating in our annual Tribute Lights Appeal. We invite you to make a tribute this year in memory of your loved one.

Your gift will be recognized with a Tribute Light in Hospice’s Solace Garden during the 2023 Holiday Season, and will represent the shining memories of your loved one. A gift of $150 or more will provide a permanent tribute brick to be placed in our Solace Garden in the spring. Our beautiful Solace Garden is located at the Liverpool office and open to visitors all year long.

When you choose to remember your loved one with a gift to our Tribute Lights Appeal, you will receive a customized link to our Virtual Celebration of Life Ceremony. This video will be available for viewing on December 1st at which time our Solace Garden will be lit for the Holiday Season. The Solace Garden will shine until the first of the coming year.

Your donation will do more than honor your loved one – it will assist families who need and deserve our expertise and compassion – and make it possible for our patients to have the opportunity to live with dignity and hope. We ask you to make a donation to help provide these essential services to over 1,400 families in our community.

We are grateful to you for taking part in this tradition and remembering your loved one with a gift that brings hope to those who truly need it.

To make an online donation, CLICK HERE.

Our thanks to O’Connell Electric for making our Solace Garden shine!

A Legacy Of Giving

Hospice of Central New York and Hospice of the Finger Lakes recently received a generous estate gift from Joyce Peel Hunter. Her stepdaughter, Martha Kissell shared with us about Joyce’s decision to make a bequest to Hospice. We were reminded of the lasting impact Hospice has on families and, this one, in particular, is over 30 years long.

How did your family first hear about Hospice?
In early 1991, my father, Bob Peel (also known as Rod Hunter – the outdoor writer for the Post-Standard) was diagnosed with lung cancer. It was the second time in recent years and this time it was to end his life. My dad and my stepmom, Joyce Peel Hunter, were living in the countryside in Cazenovia, at a place we fondly called Frog Hollow,
a remote spot by two creeks and the woods. My father’s wish was to die at home and, with Joyce’s help, they arranged for Hospice of CNY to make that happen.

I visited my dad every two weeks in the last few months of his life. I will never forget the tender care the Hospice nurses gave my dad and the tremendous amount of  support they gave Joyce and me. I have always said the nurses are there for the dying and those loved ones left behind. Since the day Dad died in June 1991, until the day Joyce died 31 years later, we always knew that a large portion of Joyce’s estate would be given to Hospice. The nurses made such an impact on us – it was never forgotten.

What do you hope to accomplish through Joyce’s philanthropy/estate gift? Our wish is that Joyce’s gift will help give others the same kind and humane care that my dad received. I cannot say enough how much this is for both the dying and the living.

What do you wish everyone knew about Joyce?
She was the love of my father’s life. They loved each other very much. Even 32 years after he died, Joyce would still tear up at his memory. Joyce loved to travel the world and did that until she was 90. Over the years, her hobbies included playing the organ, knitting, quilting, reading and entertaining/cooking. True friendships meant the world to Joyce. My close relationship with Joyce for 32 years after my dad died was due to the care she and Hospice gave my dad in his final months. I am grateful that she was my stepmom for 50 years.

If you were talking to someone else about giving to our organization, what would you tell them?
The process of dying does not have to be a scary time of life. Hospice nurses are angels here on Earth to help with this final transition of life – for the dying and their loved  ones. Joyce’s legacy will ensure Hospice will be able to be here to provide comfort and care for thousands of patients and their families, in Cayuga, Madison, Onondaga, and Oswego counties, for years to come.

To learn more about how you can plan to invest in Hospice, please contact the Development Office at 315-634-1100 today.

To read the full Fall Newsletter, please click HERE!

Volunteer Spotlight – An Interview with Sharon Carr

“Volunteering for Hospice has been a blessing to me and it has helped me through my own challenges and losses.” This is just one way that Sharon Carr describes how being a Family Care Giver has affected her life. “To help a person stay comfortable in their own home, to know that a family is doing as well as they can because they can all stay together during such a difficult time is so important. It means so much to me that I can play whatever part I am able to for that to happen.”

Sharon is a lifelong resident of Central New York, born in Syracuse, having called Fulton home for close to 50 years. Long possessed of a spirit called to helping others, and having been very involved with varied church activities, she began a new path when she saw a pamphlet for Oswego County Hospice back in 2009.

“I had never had any experience with Hospice prior to then. But I thought about what a family going through that end-of-life experience must be going through, and what sort of help they might need. That motivated me to reach out and soon I was going through the training.”

Serving as a Family Care Giver has been a very meaningful experience for Sharon. “Often, I will sit with a patient, and just talk with them or read to them. Sometimes we will just sit and share silence together, but it is being in the presence of another that is so often just what is needed.” However, it is the care and assistance that she can give to
the patient’s primary caregiver that she feels can have some of the biggest positive effect. “It isn’t always easy to walk into a stranger’s home, and not all family situations are the same. But when I am there, they know that they can have a little bit of relief, because they know that I am there to take care of their loved one. Sometimes they can feel that they are being neglectful if they take time for themselves away from their loved one, from the person they vowed to care for. But caregivers need to take care of themselves, too. And when I am there, it is a chance for them to have some time to themselves, for whatever purpose.”

After Oswego County Hospice closed their doors last year, instead of ceasing her volunteering efforts, Sharon reached out to Michele Devlin, our Volunteer Coordinator, about bringing her long years of experience as a Family Care Giver to us. We are very grateful that Sharon decided to further her work, now with us, and is still continuing to serve so many families in the Oswego County area.

When asked what she would say to someone considering the possibility of volunteering for Hospice, she said, “Not all people who go through Hospice have a family that has the ability to help them through this difficult time of life. While this sort of  volunteering can feel difficult at times, it is such a rewarding thing to be able to be in the presence of a family in need and to know that you can be of help. It’s not for everybody, and I understand that. But I can tell you that it has given me a better perspective on understanding my own challenges and losses, and it has helped me to see positivity where I wouldn’t have seen it before.”

We are so grateful to Sharon for sharing her giving spirit with us, and with the
families she serves through Hospice!

To read the full Fall Newsletter, please click HERE!

Here When You Need Us…

We’ve been proudly providing care in tandem with the Oswego County Hospice for many years. With the closing of the Oswego County Hospice in 2022, it’s important that our friends in Oswego County know that we are still here for them. Hospice care is, and will continue to be, available. In fact, this past fiscal year, we’ve provided 4,936 days of care to 149 patients in Oswego County and expect those numbers to increase in the next year. We are grateful to the Friends of the Oswego County Hospice for their support and partnership. Their mission is to provide financial and non-medical  assistance, as well as bereavement services, to help enhance the time Oswego County patients and their families have together, and to support them following their loss. Together, we are still here to provide the quality essential care the Oswego County residents need and deserve.

To read the full Fall Newsletter, please click HERE!

Hospice is Having a Candle Fundraiser!

Are you looking for a great holiday gift? Want to help Hospice? Look no further than our fall candle fundraiser! Help Hospice raise critical funds and get a beautiful candle from BeeKind in Syracuse, NY! Hospice has paired with BeeKind to create this beautiful fall scented candle that can be enjoyed in your own home, gifted to others, or both!

The candle details:

Welcome Home: A warm feeling of coming home to a house filled with aromas of cinnamon leaf, jasmine, agave nectar, fig, and French lavender with a rich base of cypress, cassia root, and golden sandalwood. This is a 12oz candle and a burn time of 55-60 hours. Made from 100% Soy Wax and poured right here in Syracuse, NY.

Candles are currently available in-store on September 1st at 118 Milton Ave, Syracuse NY 13204. This candle fundraiser will run until September 30th. The cost of the candle is $12.00 and for each candle sold, $5.00 will be donated to Hospice!

To read the full Fall Newsletter, please click HERE!

Volunteer Family Caregiver Fall 2023 Training Session

New Volunteer Training for those interested in providing support to patients and their families in their homes.

*Must be an emotionally mature and compassionate person dedicated to providing sensitive support to end-of-life patients and their families.

7 Consecutive Thursdays from 5:00 pm – 7:30 pm

September 14, 21, 28, & October 5, 12, 19 & 26

Training will be held at our Hospice Office at 990 7th North Street, Liverpool, NY 13088

For more information or to reserve your spot in the training class, please contact the Volunteer Department at 315-634-1100.

To read the full Fall Newsletter, please click HERE!