By Michelle Gladu, LMSW
The holidays and special events that fall and winter bring can be an especially difficult time for those who are grieving the death of a loved one. Grief writer Kenneth Doka cautions there are two choices to avoid when it comes to the holidays. “One is to try to keep the holiday just as it was – pretend the loss never occurred. Such a choice is bound to crash in on the reality of our loss. The other choice is to try to escape – pretend that the holiday doesn’t exist by ignoring all activities. This too is contrary to what we know and feel.” Trying to re-invent the holidays may seem exhausting, and the temptation is strong to want to fast-forward to January 2nd, but keeping our hearts and minds open can help us do more than just survive the season of celebrations. This can be a time to re-evaluate our priorities and focus on what is most important to us. Some traditions can be very meaningful and others can just feel like a chore. As we reorganize life after loss, we may need to adapt the holidays to reflect our new reality. To begin, take some time to:
Choose the activities that are most important to you – which traditions you might want to continue and which ones you can do without.
Communicate with those closest to you your thoughts on where you may want to focus your energies this year, and hear their ideas as well. There isn’t a right or wrong way to handle the holidays after a loss.
Compromise in finding some balance between your preferences and those of others in your life who may also be grieving. Understand that people can grieve the same loss differently, and find different things comforting.
Some other ideas to consider:
It can be helpful to plan for opportunities to remember your loved one and say their name during the holidays. Well-intentioned family and friends may avoid talking about the loved one thinking it will upset you, but often those who are grieving feel worse if no one acknowledges the absence of a loved one. Putting out a candle in honor of a loved one, making their favorite food or inviting others to share a story about them can ensure that the loved one’s memory is included in the special day.
Grief is exhausting. Be sure to schedule some time to rest and reflect if you can during the holidays, and have the flexibility to say ”no” if necessary to some activities.
Children who are going through a loss can benefit from the continuity that traditions bring, but their ideas and enthusiasm can help create some new traditions as well. Make sure to include them in planning for the holidays.
Remember that sometimes anticipating the holidays can be harder than the days themselves. Despite everything you are going through, you may find some moments of joy and comfort during these holidays that you hadn’t expected. Accept these moments as the gifts that they are. Being happy isn’t a betrayal of your loved one. Bittersweet though they may be, holidays can become a time to honor and remember our loved ones and carry on their legacy.